One man's view of Twilight and New Moon: the movies

So Hubs finally watched Twilight and New Moon with me, let's just say... he's still not a fan.
He cracked me up the entire time, making fun of every little thing. I thought I'd share some of his views.

1. Robert Pattinson looks like a gargoyle 

2. Who is in danger from whom? Cause Kristen Stewart looks like she's considering eating him.

3. Look at me, I'm a vampire, I'm super fast... hop on, I'll give you a piggyback ride and then show you how I twinkle.

4. His hair looks just like your Grandmas! (Jasper in New Moon)








  

5. This is like Saved by the Bell with vampires!








6. Why does Edward look so constipated? Do the books explain that?

7. They've been together for exactly 17 minutes and Carlisle considers her part of the family??? 

8. We're suppose to believe he is 135,000 years old and has never had a girlfriend? Oh! and he's a virgin!

 9. She's reading about vampires on the internet and making these faces like she can't believe it... she reads "Blood Drinkers" and acts shocked.

10. A subaru & a peacoat... very scary.

11. Why is she so twitchy? You know... he's kind of twitchy too. Why are all these people so twitchy??? 

12. So he twinkles in the sun??? Thats ridiculous!  In the real world vampires burn. (He has never watched The Vampire Diaries so I thought the way he worded that was excellent.)

13. How is it, that this 135,000 year old vampire is exactly like a 17 year old boy???

14. He can't live in a world where she does not exist... (scoffs)

15. No fangs, no blood, no sex, no burning in the sun, no stakes to the heart??? This is completely unrealistic.

 I tried to explain many things: Edwards age, car and pained expression... but Hubs wouldn't hear it. He thinks it's the most ridiculous thing ever. But... at least he tried, I suppose.

30 with a BANG!

Most of this post was written the night before my 30th birthday. I had planned to post about the things I was thankful for and the things I wanted to say goodbye to along side my 20's. But I had no idea just how bad my birthday weekend would be.

Friday, August 6, 2010, 1450 hours: My sweet baby boy Syndil got his paw stuck under a 50lb dollhouse with a 40lb child sitting inside of it. While thrashing wildly around trying to free himself he broke his ankle at the growth plate. He spent the next 3 days in an animal hospital. 

Saturday, August 7, 2010, 0900 hours: My birthday started off with a BANG! as I checked my checking account online and learned that a hacker or some other asshat had gotten my debit card number and spent $489.00 at Wine.com. I don't even drink effing wine! I called the bank but there was nothing they could do until Monday. So I was simply screwed!

I hate wine, but somewhere in the world there is a very drunk hacker. Cheers Mate!

Saturday, August 7, 2010, 1730 hours: After eating lunch with my sister, Amber, and my husband we went to my favorite bookstore in Gainesville, Book Gallery West, and then to Victoria Secret (where I learned my post-breastfeeding size is a 32 A, an entire cup size smaller! Boo!) We had been shopping for a few hours when my sister, who had come up from Palm Beach for my wretched birthday weekend, started having trouble with her throat. BLEEDING. She spit out buckets of blood, for no apparent reason. We went to the ER where we remained for the duration of my birthday; canceling the party my mother had been planning for months. Amber had surgery to remove her tonsils. No big deal you say? Think again. She hemorrhaged after the surgery and then again in recovery. She was kept asleep with a breathing tube for 13 hours because she was failing to breathe on her own. She spent 2.5 days in ICU. She is now recovering but is still in the hospital. 

Sunday, August 8, 2010, 1000 hours: After getting 4 hours of sleep I returned to the hospital to wait with my family for Amber to wake up. Around 3pm she awoke choking and gagging and struggling to jerk the breathing tube out. It was a horrible sight, one I'm sure to remember forever. I left the hospital exhausted around 6pm and returned home. I laid on the couch and watched stupid movies with Hubs, too tired to even read.

Monday, August 9, 2010, 1030 hours: Something caught my attention outside our living room window, so I looked out and saw that some moron was trying to turn around in the center of our street. My sisters brand new Volkswagen SUV was parked near the tail end of his car. I was afraid with the luck I had been having that he'd hit her car, so I continued to watch him. No, he didn't hit her car, but he did plow over my  mailbox. Granted I'd rather him hit the mailbox than her car, but still, it was like the straw that broke the camels back. I finally sat down and had a nice cry. 

  

Monday, August 9, 2010, 1400 hours: Something on Twitter caught my eye and I went to the site. So Summit decided they hadn't messed up the Twilight movies enough, no, Breaking Dawn will be in 3D. Are you effing kidding me? Yes, I put this one on the list more as a joke than anything else. But it really does bother me that the books I so adore have been ruined on the screen time and time again. 

 

So, the day I had been dreading for the last year was even more awful than I could have ever imagined, but it was the circumstances surrounding my birthday that were awful not the actual number the birthday represented. Turning 30 really wasn't so bad. I cried about 20 minutes till midnight, the 20 minutes before I was officially 30. But since then I really haven't cared that I'm 30 years old.


I learned a lot in my 20's; more than any other time in my life. But the most important knowledge was obtained over the latter part of the decade. The closer I got to 30, the smarter I became. Which gives me hope for this next decade.
Thanks to my 20's:

• I learned that I truly, deeply  and somewhat irrationally love my husband, even his obnoxious, drive-me-insane faults and habits.
• I learned that there is no one in this world capable of making me happier or crazier than my children. They're messy, loud and needy, but at the end of the day I love them more than anyone else, and that love is unwavering and unconditional.
• I forged a friendship with both my Mom and sister, one that had never been present before.
  
• I embraced the few friends I considered to be my best friends; my only friends, the girls who if I were old and alone I would want to share a house in Miami with, while we all dated random old guys. *Que Golden Girls theme song*
• I discovered a love of reading and writing that I had never known existed within me until my late 20's, and despite what the critics say I have Stephenie Meyer to thank for that. I started a book last January, a small project to help me through the year. Really, it was just supposed to give me something to do other than bitch about turning 30, but I fell in love with it. 75,000 words later the book is coming together, slowly but surely, and I'm more excited about that than anything else I've ever done in my life- barring the creation of life.
• Most importantly, I learned that my life isn't what I had expected, or even what I'd wanted, but it's my life and whether I'm 20, 30, 40 or how ever old it's mine to mold and shape into whatever I want.

Goodbye to my 20's:

• Goodbye to being pregnant, you were no fun for the most part, but you had your moments. That first flutter of life, first nudge and kick, pink or blue: Emma, Elizabeth, Cullen, Noah, all the names that didn't make the final cut. The newborn smell, breastfeeding, and cuddling with a brand new baby will be missed.
  
• Goodbye to cigarettes! You were such a big part of my life until I turned 27, but I can't say I'll miss you, I mean, lets face it... you were trying to kill me!
  
• Goodbye to impracticality, unpredictability and the irrational way I viewed the world in my early 20's. I prefer the more sensible perception I have now. I feel like I'm finally in a place of reason and sensibility.
• Goodbye to the saying, "I'm in my 20's." This was the hardest for me to face over the year, knowing that I would have to say, "I'm 30." And while it still doesn't roll off the tongue easily, I've come to terms with it. And, hey, 30's the new 20, right? Or is that just something old people say???